Sorry I fell off the face of the internet! Getting back into the swing of the semester has taken more energy than I ever could have imagined, and unfortunately I’m not yet sure if that’s a good or bad thing…I guess only time will tell. And I guess that’s what this whole post is going to be about today; uncertainty. I seem to have a huge problem accepting the things I can’t control (how surprising!), and lately I’ve realized that not much in life is for certain. I was born, I am alive, and someday I will die, this much I know. The problem is, nothing – and I mean NOTHING – is ever guaranteed beyond that. Scary? I think yes.
In my Italian class (which everyone should take, cause Italian is AWESOME) we are learning about the future tense, futuro semplice. Italian is confusing in its tenses (three past tenses. THREE.), but the future tense is pretty straight forward. If it might happen in the next few days, weeks, months – you get the idea – then futuro semplice it is. However, as we began to throw our books into our bags and approach the end of class, our professor threw this one stipulation our way; if something in the future is a COMPLETE CERTAINTY, use the present tense. And then we all stopped. A few of us were more than ready to walk on to the next lesson of the day, but we immediately dropped our bags and started asking questions. “So if we say ‘I am going to graduate’, we use the present tense?” to which he replied “Well, are you sure it’s going to happen?” to which we replied silently, like my new favorite meme-fad…
WHAT DO YOU MEAN “ARE YOU SURE”?! Of course I’m graduating in May. I’ve got all of my classes in the bag, I’ve been accepted to grad school, and it’s already written in every calendar I own! Insert some frantic screeches, a minor (major) panic attack, and a few (buckets) tears, and you get the picture. What do you mean “are you sure”? And then a scary thought rolled through my brain; nothing is for sure. Things are almost never certain. Who knows what will happen in a week? A month? Five years? I sure as hell don’t. As much as I wish I could use the present tense when saying (in Italian, of course) “I will graduate” or “I will get married” or “That will never change”, I just can’t. It’s not able to be done. If it can’t be a sure fact, it can’t be cemented in a verb tense. And that sucks.
I want my life to be a certainty. I don’t want to say “I might” or “Maybe” or “If”. I don’t want my future to have to be a wish, or a fleeting dream, I want it to be concrete reality! I want it written in stone, etched on a scroll in my blood. Ok, so maybe not that last part, but honestly, not knowing what will happen for sure scares me. Some days I don’t care, I roll with the punches, and I understand that it just can’t go my way, no matter how hard I try. Other days, I shut down. I imagine not having the things I think I will have in the next few years – a job, my relationship, two degrees, my family – and I just fail to understand and accept it all. I know that’s all quite a bit drastic, but it’s just how it feels every once in a while. Until then, I just need the clarity to understand why things happen, and how to trust in the uncertainty that is life.
Eight years ago, I wasn’t even sure what this town was like, where it was, or that it even existed. I freaked out to know I was leaving my home of 15 years, but as I’ve learned in my time here in the Bluegrass (time that I hope never ends), you just have to go with the flow. Things change, people change, goals, expectations, realities – they all change. But that’s life, and I fully intend to live it to the fullest.