The Problem With Patience

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one of those moments to remember

I have a problem…

I am the most impatient person on the planet. No, really, that may seem like an exaggeration, but there are times in my life where I literally cannot wait for something to happen, even if it’s not able to be found on my grid yet. Graduation? Can’t wait. Getting a real job? Can’t wait! Finally getting to live on my own again? REALLY can’t wait. Marriage? Babies? Even though I know for a fact that I do not want these for quite a while (at least on the babies front), I CAN’T WAIT. All of these things have to happen and I want them to happen now. Which, I am just realizing, reminds me of Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (I want it nooooooooow). That’s annoying…anywho, this impatience? It’s a problem. Each time I approach a new task in life, the thought hits me that I can’t wait for it to be done so I can go on to “a, b, or c”. What I really need to do is slow the hell down.

Even though I can’t see it now, and even though it is EXTRAORDINARILY cliché, I know I’m missing out on so many things right this second, even if they are itty-bitty, miniscule, tiny details that I don’t think are important. Sitting down with a book and enjoying it? Totally worth it. Sitting down to read a book and stopping in the middle of it to daydream about the day I get to walk across the stage and get my diploma? Not so worth it. I can’t enjoy my last semester of undergraduate schooling (or my next two years of graduate school…) if I’m constantly thinking about May 10th, the day it finally happens. If I can’t focus on my day-to-day life, how can I really appreciate it?

I find myself getting upset over small details of my life, and honestly, it is all moot. I get upset with Zach for not wanting to talk about the “M” word all the time. But why should I? I know how he feels about it, and I also know that he’s a guy, and he is most definitely not racing towards that finish line. He wants to be in my future, but he also wants to make sure that when it happens, we can LOVE it, not cram it in-between his job searches and my grad seminars. And to be honest? I should appreciate that. I do appreciate that, but I know that each time I throw a silly pity party, it undermines my appreciation and makes me look like a spoiled 10-year old in a chocolate factory begging for a goose.

I found that heart of wrapping paper on the dining room table at Zach’s place last week as we cleaned up after the holiday rush. And when I saw it, my heart skipped a beat (insert more romantic jazz here). It was so sweet, and such a small, itty-bitty detail, but I was so glad that instead of roaring through the dining room and throwing everything away, I stopped and took the moment to see what it really was. Zach was so proud of himself for surprising me, and I just loved it. I want to keep looking at this picture and I want to keep reliving that moment because it was just so damn sweet. If I can remember just how happy that little piece of wrapping paper made me, maybe I can figure out a way to let go of the future; I don’t need to control everything that will happen in the next five years in order to enjoy it. In fact, I think it’s quite the opposite. If I let some of the details fall into someone else’s hands, I think I will love the outcome.

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What Feels Right

Growing up in my family was never really stressful or uncomfortable; I had my moments of “That’s not fair!” and “Why can’t I do (blank) now?”, and I’m sure everyone else has too. However, after years spent learning lessons and growing up and out of my parents’ reach, I understand more of what they were trying to teach us. As my siblings and I grew up, we also grew used to my dad’s table talk, or his “high-horse speeches” as we have come to call them. Dad’s lessons always stemmed from his own experiences growing up, his growth in his faith, and the lessons his business successes have taught him, and my brother and I (and someday my little sister) both really appreciate what he is telling us. From my dad we learned why my grandma always goes crazy for Christmas gifts and why we really never NEEDED any of the gifts we begged for; we learned what a bargain was good for (if only I’d known a guitar in exchange for four years of marching band slavery was not a good bargain); and lately, as I approach my final semester of college and my brother continues in his post-secondary journey, the topic of jobs has come up. Sure, jobs have surfaced before as he pushed us to find a job during high school and to save all the money we could, but lately it has been put in the direction of finding what will make us happy and what will help us make a life for ourselves and our future families.

While I know my dad only means the best for my brother and I, these career talks have really stressed me out. In the past 5 months my biggest fear has been making the wrong choice; I don’t want to work in a job that I will hate, but I don’t know that I have an attainable Dream Job. I would love to be an editor or an event planner, but I also don’t want to move away from Kentucky. It’s become my home, and a few special people in the state have also become my home, and I couldn’t leave them. So the editing dream is gone. Event planning is a joke of a job to most people, and those who do venture into the business are jumping into a shark pool of sorts; the career is crazy competitive, and I don’t know how I can fit into that crazy world (even though I would love – LOVE – to be a part of it). After hearing about how important it is to find a job that you love, because “if you don’t love your job, you’ll end up more and more spiteful towards it each year”, I want to find “The One”. I know it’s out there, and I know that no matter what, I will be happy, but after hearing from the wisest man I know, I can tell that loving your job really is an important aspect of my future.

Today, I received an acceptance letter into graduate school for a Master’s in Higher Education, and I really think I could love the job; I don’t want to think I love it, I want to know like I know how much I would love to coordinate events or edit up-and-coming novels. So, instead of finding a whole slew of new things to worry about, I’m going to look at the bright side; I have options. My dream is never going to go away, and it will never be impossible to reach either. And if I decide to go with the unknown, I will find a way to love my job, or at least to love my life. I have some amazing people who will be going into the future with me, and I know for certain that that alone will help me settle into what feels right.